The cold shoulder strategy (or: how to repulse a man)

Part of the Font of Female Wisdom (a very lame font) is that to get a guy to stop liking you, give him the cold shoulder. The coldness of the shoulder varies from girl to girl; some have very icy shoulders indeed. I have seen this done on several occasions. Sarah has done it more than once. Yet here’s the thing – I have never seen this work. I have pondered this and discovered a fatal flaw in the strategy. So, to all the ladies out there, I shall share this flaw with you and offer you some advice, because you clearly need it.

The reason this strategy is so lame is quite simple; it does not deal with why he finds you attractive in the first place. Once you deal with that, hey presto, off he goes! So here are some simple steps for you to consider:

First and foremost, you need to sabotage your looks. Gain 30 kilos, wear frumpy clothes with food smeared all over them, and for goodness sake, stop showering. Wear no deodorant or perfume. Don’t bother doing your hair or make-up. Scar yourself with cigarette burns. Cut off one of your limbs. This will be enough to drive him away 90% of the time.

For the rest, it’s time to play “Opposites”. If he doesn’t smoke, you need to chain smoke. If he does, time to quit. If he doesn’t drink, you start. Pretend to be drunk 24/7 if that’s what it takes. If you were a hard partier, time to convert to Islam. If you were athletic, time to start slobbing and eating KFC.

Keep at it, and before you know it, you will go from “Wow!” to “Eeewwww!” in your stalker’s eyes.

And, oh yes, happy birthday Sarah!