Coffee

This isn’t the 5 best in Melbourne, you understand - it’s simply the 5 I visit most regularly.

Parkers Cafe - Parkers Rd, ParkdaleBest coffee in this part of Melbourne. Food is also excellent. Open evenings, and free water for dogs.

Kafe@Chelsea - The Strand, ChelseaFinally, somewhere with decent coffee in Chelsea!

Coffee Traders - MorningtonWow. I’m not worthy. This place is up there with the best inner-city cafes. The coffee will rock your world, I guarantee it.

Espresso Hit - Charman Rd, CheltenhamNew mini cafe in Cheltenham that ticks all the right boxes.

Beach Box - Nepean Hwy, BonbeachNot as good as the others listed above, but 10 times better than the place next to it, making it the best cafe in Bonbeach. Very comfortable chairs, friendly service and drinkable coffee.

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Which city does better service - Melbourne or Sydney? Have your say at Sydney Coffee Reviews, where the debate has commenced.

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I’ve been thinking about writing a post about all the Russian music I’ve been discovering since I’ve started learning that language, but I’m not sure that anyone would read it. So if you are, please say so, or else it might not happen.

Recently, this comment was left on the Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews:

It never ceases to amaze me the lobotomising critics.
IE. See below

Café Laurella, Wahroonga
Nice atmosphere, coffee was disappointing

I drink Coffee at Laurella weakly (its local) Yes on occasion (very rare) the coffee is not fantastic. I know the beans are good quality (*that’s why I come here )
So Mr Critic please cease being a monosyllabic fool and tell me when you were at my local cafe was the
Milk to hot, burnt, to cold, the flavor to bitter (head not rinsed) the beans to strong, over / under roasted (maybe you like the burnt starbuks flavor) Did you wate to long or do you owne the cafe around the corner?

Josh
PS you dont get a better feed on the upper north shore quolity, portion/ $

First of all, Josh, thanks for your comment. (Really. I get so much comment spam I appreciate all genuine feedback, whether positive or negative.)

Now, regarding Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews - these are only five words long. Being monosyllabic is the entire point. Part of the challenge of writing them is getting the gist of a coffee shop across with only five words.

I should point out, though, that none of them are written by professional reviewers in any sense. Those that write them (including myself) are interested amateurs. We have been to a lot of coffee shops, we like coffee and cafe culture and we are always interested in finding a good cafe; but many of the finer points a coffee professional could make, we cannot.

Does this mean we like Starbucks or Gloria Jeans? Please do not insult us, Josh! I have made my feelings about Starbucks quite clear, and they are not positive.

As for Cafe Laurella, it was someone else and not me who went there and reviewed it, so unfortunately I cannot expand on the review.

I have found previously that a comment like this means I’ve gotten it wrong (Quikfix being the obvious example). For this reason, I hereby promise Josh and any other Laurella fans reading this that I shall revisit Laurella and give them a second opinion at the first opportunity.

“The first opportunity” might take a little while though; I live in Melbourne, and that’s a long way from Sydney’s North Shore.

UPDATE: I made it to Wahroonga a little while back, but Laurella was shut and I’m unlikely to hit the area again for years.

According to The Age, Starbucks are closing 61 out of their 85 Australian stores. It seems they have all but given up on the Australian market.

I’m not surprised they’re struggling here. Unlike the United States, Australia has a long-running coffee culture. Before the arrival of Starbucks, there were already thousands of independent coffee shops, to the point where they comprised 1/3 of retail outlets in some suburbs (or so it seemed). Some of these focussed more on food than they did coffee, but there were plenty of others that served a decent brew. Australia has heaps of coffee snobs as a result.

Not everyone is a coffee snob, of course, so Starbucks might still have made inroads into the market had they moved a bit faster. Unfortunately for them, they spent several years taking over the US first, and while they did so, some enterprising souls noticed how profitable they were, and set about replicating that success here. Soon, Australian shopping centres were filled with Starbucks clones. The most successful of these, Gloria Jeans, now has a huge fanbase that won’t go anywhere else.

As a result, the entry of  Starbucks into the Australian market was met with a collective “meh” from the local population.

They might still have gotten somewhere had their coffee tasted good, but in my humble opinion, they are beaten not only by the independents but most (if not all) the other chains.

The lesson for business owners? If you are successful in one market, make sure to conquer the others quickly, or someone else will beat you to it.

Have you heard of Muzz Buzz? It’s a drive-through coffee outlet that’s been operating in Western Australia - and now, it’s arrived in Melbourne. This is their outlet at DFO Cheltenham:

Muzz Buzz has a large variety of menu items, from iced drinks to flavoured coffee to food, ice-creams and energy drinks. Their coffee flavourings are at no extra cost, which is unusual.

I’m not a huge fan of drive-through coffee outlets, but I thought I’d give it a go. Here’s what their coffee looks like - note the straw. Who drinks coffee through a straw?

Unfortunately the coffee was close to lukewarm and a little weak (I ordered strong). My girlfriend Marjorie ordered a flavoured coffee, which was definitely nicer.

They got at least one satisfied customer that day:

Recommended for: Drivers who like the convenience of drinking coffee through a straw. Flavoured coffee lovers.

Not recommended for: People who like coffee that tastes like coffee.

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Later the same day, I got to try Nespresso.

Nespresso is a novel attempt by Nescafe to market themselves as the high end of the coffee market, although perhaps not high enough for coffee snobs. Basically, the system consists of a very easy to use coffee machine that uses Nespresso coffee pods - and nothing else. There are, I think, a dozen varieties of the pods available. Others have criticised the system for using stale coffee in the pods, plus the proprietary nature of the pods will be a concern for some. What concerns me, as always, is how the coffee tastes.

At their kiosk in Myer, I had a chance to find out. After enduring their marketing spiel, I had a latte using a ‘Ristretto’ pod (the strongest pod available).  So how did it taste? Not bad at all really. The latte was creamy, with little bitterness I thought. The flavour was a bit lacking compared to a good cafe, but still beats a lot of mediocre cafes and about 90% of home setups.

Recommended for: A take-away or similar business looking to sell quick and easy espresso on the side, without serving watery weak swill. Or, someone wanting a semi-sophisticated setup at home, without spending four figures.

Not recommended for: Coffee snobs. Get a better machine, and fresher beans.

The backstory: I reviewed Expresso Drive Thru in Murrumbeena, and subsequently was threatened with a lawsuit. Then, just recently, I get the following comment:

Friends Of Coffee
“it is interesting to note that despite a request for your address to serve legal papers you have not provided this to them. I think to be fair to them you should give your full name and address to them, and be prepared for any action if any. Easy to hide behind a blog Mark. You look like a fool, and are certainly acting like one Mark!”

It is also interesting to note that I’ve only got comments in support of Expresso Drive Thru since their management got wind of my post.

Today when logging in, I noticed a comment from “jon” stating “this blog is lame. Have you got anything good to say about anyone. I would say this is all about a man angry with his world and who has a massive chip on his shoulder. Get some therapy!!”

I looked, and it was on the Melbourne Coffee Reviews page. “What a strange place to leave a comment like that”, I thought. But then I saw Friends Of Coffee above, who left that comment, with the same IP address.

Coincidence? You decide!

Mr. Of Coffee, or jon (if that’s your real name), you obviously are the bloke who runs Expresso Drive Thru in Murrumbeena, or a very close friend. It should be obvious by now that your legal threats have backfired on you. Let me give you some advice about how our legal system works, and how you should react when confronted by criticism:

#1. You can’t sue someone for making you money. Instead, you have to show that the alleged defamation has harmed your business in some way. This is important. Because of this, sending your defendant emails that state “Thanks also for the publicity and the pick up in business we are receiving as a result” is a bad idea. (Yes, this actually happened!)

#2. When you know nothing about the legal system, keep in mind that some people know more than you do. This could be relevant if, for example, you are suing a blog for defamation when there are posts about defamation on that blog.

#3. Why not just ask for a second opinion? When the blog that has said bad things about your product, has in the past given other businesses a second opinion on request, perhaps asking for a second opinion just might be a better idea than half-baked threats.

Friends Of Coffee, clearly you feel a little hard done by. If one critical post has made you feel that way, imagine how pissed off you would be if someone threatened to drag you in front of a court and bankrupt you over something you said.

Just a thought.

Located on the South Gippsland Highway, on the way to Phillip Island, this rural cafe does a mean devonshire tea. The scones were first rate, and the jam (blueberry on that day) and cream were both top-notch. Coffee was quite reasonable, with a nice creamy texture.

The view from our table:

Not according to Australians. Recently I saw these comments on The Age, on a forum where readers were asked what they were homesick for when travelling abroad:

 Coffee! After living in Canada for years, all I know is they don’t do coffee well. Being from Melbourne you are spoilt for choice. The amount of times people say “Oh I love Starbucks” I would rather drink toilet water!

Here’s another:

 Good Coffee - Unfortunately the local coffee shop with a Melbourne influence shut down about 9 months ago. Now it is a struggle to find a good local coffee shop/cafe among the 100’s (not joking) of starbucks outlets in Vancouver….if I here a order for a non-fat soy latte extra hot with a dash of cold water and splash of caramel spirit one more time I could go insane!

Sounds awful to me. In my time in Melbourne, it was hard to find coffee worse than Starbucks. The thought of being stuck in a Starbucks-only wasteland makes me shudder.

I will say one thing about Starbucks though: they’ve never threatened me with an idiotic lawsuit for my criticism.

The world needs LOLcafegeek. Not sure why, but it does.

For those interested (and who isn’t?), this photo was taken in McKinnon and the cafe featured in Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews #20.

The find of this edition is in Mornington. Yes, Mornington. Keep reading for details; but first, a detour to Sydney.

From Judy:
Driftwood Cafe, Cronulla Mall, Cronulla
Very good coffee, served hot.

Carlo’s Espresso Cafe, Forest Rd, Hurstville
Great coffee. Has won awards.

From yours truly:

Caffe Moravia, Burke Rd, Camberwell
Quite good coffee and atmosphere.

Turtle Bean Cafe, Poath Rd, Murrumbeena
Bar or cafe? Adequate coffee.

Expresso Drive Thru, Murrumbeena Rd, Murrumbeena
Cheerful service but awful coffee.

Cosmic Bear Cafe, Atherton St, Oakleigh
Nice. Good flavour, well presented.

Beetle Cafe, Dandenong Plaza, Dandenong
Very strong coffee. Not bad.

Malibu, Karingal Hub, Frankston
Food is okay. Coffee mediocre.

Avocado Blue, Main St, Mornington
Nice food. Coffee nothing special.

Coffee Traders, Blake St, Mornington
Excellent coffee. Highly recommended. Euphoria.

Expresso Drive Through, a drive-through coffee outlet in Murrumbeena, has apparently threatened me with a lawsuit for defamation if I don’t remove my post regarding their company (which said, among other things, that they serve bad coffee).

Rather than email me or send me a nasty letter, their threat is in a comment left on my About page. Here it is, in full:

“without prejudice”

NOTICE OF INTENTION TO BEGIN LEGAL PROCEEDINGS.

IF THE DEFAMATION REGARDING EXPRESSO DRIVE THRU IN MURRUMBEENA IS NOT REMOVED FROM YOUR WEBSITE WITHIN 7 DAYS (BY 27/2/2008) WE WILL BE TAKING LEGAL ACTION AGAINST YOU FOR DAMAGES AND ALSO OBTAINING A COURT ORDER TO HAVE IT REMOVED.

IF YOU WISH TO CONTACT US TO DISCUSS PLEASE PHONE US ON (03) 9939 0830.

BEST REGARDS,

It ends at the comma.

I highly doubt that they intend to sue me, particularly not after reading this post.

Why? Because, first of all, it is quite common for companies to threaten to sue when they have no intention of following through, in order to silence critics.

Second of all, defamation is notoriously hard to prove in the courts. It would cost probably hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees to pursue the case. All this, against a blog that almost nobody reads? Come on!

Thirdly, most companies cannot now sue for defamation under Australian defamation law, after a law change of a few years ago.

I don’t know about you, but I despise the tactic of empty legal threats. For this reason, the post - and this one - shall remain on the site.

What do you think? I encourage you to state your opinion, both on this blog, and by contacting Expresso Drive Thru.

You can contact them at the phone number above, or by emailing expressodrivethru@hotmail.com.

ALL PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY: Expresso’s hot chocolates are the worst ever, according to a commenter at the Melbourne Victory Forum, where a kind soul has started a thread about this topic.

MORE READING: Another idiotic legal threat from discount card company 22 Percent Off. Also read my post about defamation law.