Coffee

SaRz, who is a regular around here and also knows me in real life (you know, what you do when you’re away from the computer) was recently at the burgeoning metropolis of Bonny Hills in NSW when she spotted this:

Yes, that sign does say “Sexy Coffee”. I’m not sure that sex and coffee really belong together. It just doesn’t seem to be a natural fit, don’t you agree? I’m sure the proprietors of this shop get a good laugh out of it though. Much like the previously mentioned Sexie Coffee establishment.

But this does give me an excuse to blog about a weird trend that’s hit the U.S. lately: sexy coffee shops! Establishments such as Cowgirls and Sweet Spot have injected some spice – or tackiness, depending on how you look at it – into the market, by having their female staff dress in bikinis or lingerie in order to drum up business.

Sounds like a bad soft porn flick, does it not? They could call it Bikini Cafe, or something. (Not that I’d know or anything.)

Anyway, I know you want a pic so here it is:

Yeah, that’s tasteful. Not.

Sure, I’m a heterosexual male, but I am also a coffee purist. I like the atmosphere and good vibes of a decent cafe, and this is too tasteless and tacky for words. And since I don’t like it, this trend must stop.

Plus, typically these places are drive through only. How many indicators of wrongness does one need?

Hopefully this trend won’t make it to Australia.

Now, at Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews there are at present more than 250 reviews of cafes and coffee shops. Occasionally, these coffee shops will change management, hire new people, or do something else to change the quality of their coffee, and most of the time I don’t hear about it.

Case #1: Mozart’s at Gymea

This place had originally received a middling review, but I received an email plea from the owner, telling me that he had made vast improvements to the place, and could I revisit and check it out?

Why certainly, Mozart. (Not his real name, by the way.)

I had two of my trained monkeys go and check out the place and report back to me. Both of them liked the coffee and would recommend it, although one of them said it was too strong – after he had ordered it strong! Go figure.

Like me, he almost always orders it strong, and like me, he only started doing that to avoid getting weak coffee in not-so-good cafes. That leaves one open to getting coffee stronger than one wants.

So Mozart’s is now officially classified as Good. I’ll update the review to reflect that.

Case #2: Buenta in Frankston

I used to go here occasionally for breakfast with my parents. The food was well-done and the coffee decent, so when I recently found a job in Frankston it was only natural that I would return.

I ordered strong. Strong, I tell you. (Sense a theme in this post?) When I got it, was it strong? No. Nor was it normal strength. It was weak. Weak! The taste was of frothed-up warm milk with barely a hint of coffee.

Others in the office told me they didn’t like the coffee there either.

I won’t be returning.

I recently found a drive-through coffee outlet in Murrumbeena (not pictured above, I hasten to add). This is the first drive-through coffee outlet I’ve seen in Australia, so naturally I had to give it a go. There were several things about this place destined to offend coffee purists. Let’s go through them, shall we?

1. It’s a drive-through coffee outlet. So much for the social aspect of cafes.
2. It looks like a petrol station, with a garish blue colour scheme and logo, and lots of concrete for that special concrete ambience.
3. The name is “Expresso Drive Through”. Having “expresso” in a name is always a bad sign. At least in this case, it’s not just a misspelling of “espresso”. They sell express coffee, people!
4. They sell coffee in three sizes. You have to specify the size; there is no default.

All of this quickly adds up to … coffee foreboding!

I drove to their window and my strong latte was delivered quickly and cheerfully, with a complimentary wafer. Within five seconds I had spilled some coffee onto the seat. Why doesn’t my car have cup-holders?

I turned back onto Murrumbeena Rd and pulled over to taste what was left, raising the paper cup to my mouth to take a swig. I almost spat it back out; the taste was that bad. I drank a bit more (to give it the benefit of the doubt I suppose), but no improvement was forthcoming, so I drove to Chadstone and threw it out. Fortunately I had the wafer to counter the awful taste.

60c UPDATE: Also recently, I returned to Trisha’s Lunch Stop in Brighton, which was advertising 60c cappuccinos. My impression on seeing this: “The coffee must be awful!” As indeed it was. One of the worst cups of coffee I’ve ever had.

DEFINTLEE UNSEXIE: You can read more about the abomination pictured above at Gourmet Tarts. Or you can check it out for yourself if you’re near Bundaberg, Queensland.

I don’t know about you, but images such as this one make me want to do more travelling:

(Image originally from Radiobras, apparently.)

We start this edition in Goulburn, in rural NSW, and Oatley, in Sydney’s south:

From Jon:
Bryants Bakery, Auburn St, Goulburn
Surprisingly good coffee and ambience

Dolce Espresso, Letitia St, Oatley
Good to average. Nothing groundbreaking.

Centre Place is one of those cool alleyways between Bourke St and Flinders St that is chock-full of coffee shops and other good things. Most of them are tiny, particularly Jungle Bar, reviewed below.

Jungle Bar, Centre Place, Melbourne
Very good flavour, tiny cafe

Five, Centre Place, Melbourne
Decent coffee but slightly burnt

Bambini Barrista, rear 530 Little Collins St, Melbourne
Flavour not bad, nice top

Rive Gauche, Southgate Food Court, Southbank
Good flavour, generous loyalty card

Q11, Coventry St, South Melbourne
Decent, strong coffee. Good service.

I’ve been systematically plowing through Brunswick St in Fitzroy lately. It has a bunch of cafes, including at least two very good ones.

Don Vincenzo, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Decent coffee and funky atmosphere

Endis Cafe, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Coffee adequate but nothing special

Cafe Nova, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Cafe features good coffee, fireplace

Caffeine Dealers, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Very good coffee found here

And now, out to the ‘burbs. South eastern suburbs, specifically.

Nikos Quality Cakes, Portman St, Oakleigh
Very good coffee, nice cakes

Santucci’s, Koornang Rd, Carnegie
Good atmosphere, paintings, decent coffee

Figjam Cafe, Koornang Rd, Carnegie
Good texture and decent flavour

One other thing: I was recently emailed by the owner of Mozart’s in Gymea, who told me that it has changed hands and now serves much better coffee. I am yet to verify this; I don’t live in Sydney after all; but if any of you want to check it out and tell us of your experience, feel free.

Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews #23 and as usual, there is mediocrity out there, but also some gems. Good coffee in Dandenong! Who would have thought?

Fancy Fillings, DFO, Spencer St Melbourne
Okay. Nothing special, not bad.

From Tim:
Cafe Crema, 488 Swanston St, Carlton
Popular. Top service, good coffee.

From SaRz’s mum:
Express Cafe, Royal Childrens Hospital, Parkville
Same old, same old coffee

Don’t think she liked it.

Friends Of The Earth, Smith St, Collingwood
Green commies serve decent brew.

Atomica Caffe, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Smooth. Good service, great coffee.

Espresso Affair, Centre Rd, East Bentleigh
Not bad. A bit thin.

Marlo’s, Centre Rd, Bentleigh
Presentation, flavour, texture spot on.

Limonatta, McKinnon Rd, McKinnon
Competently done. Kids books, papers.

Cafe Galiano, Southland Shopping Centre, Cheltenham
Reasonable coffee. Nothing spectacular, though.

Esperence Cafe, Springvale Rd, Springvale
Atmosphere good, coffee nothing special

Coffee ‘n’ all, Dandenong Plaza, Dandenong
Good flavour and well presented

Switch, Knox O-Zone, Wantirna South
Decent flavour, texture. Not bad.

Bar Bosh, Knox O-Zone, Wantirna South
Burnt flavour. Not the best.

Now we have over 200 reviews in total! Remember to submit your own reviews by leaving a comment!

I went to a coffee shop recently (okay, it was Limonatta in McKinnon) at around 2pm. There were only a few customers there but soon more came in; apparently regulars of the rusted-on variety. The woman running the place knew every one of them by name. Impressive, huh?

She didn’t know me by name, since it was my first time there. In fact, since I frequent so many cafes, I can count the number of times I have gotten to know the staff on the fingers of one hand. When it does happen, it’s nice, but it’s not something I really expect.

My expectations as to service are not unreasonable. As I have stated before, if, at a café, someone comes to my table to take my order, than delivers the coffee within a reasonable timeframe, and the coffee is good, than it matters little to me how rude or impolite the staff are. If, when delivering the strong latte I ordered, they snarl “Here’s your coffee, you swine”, if it is a very good strong latte I shall definitely return.

But I’m not sure there are many others who think the same way.

I recently returned from a trip to Sydney where I spent a few days surveying the cafe scene and just generally enjoying myself.

Day 1: Eastern Beaches

Clovelly Beach, pictured above, is the only beach in the world that you could fit in your pocket. That’s how small it is. In fact, I was surprised by how small these beaches are. Bondi is an average-sized beach and the others are quite small, particularly Clovelly and Tamarama.

Le Paris Go Cafe, Hall St, Bondi Beach
Good coffee and top atmosphere

Seasalt Cafe, Donnellan Circuit, Clovelly
Very good coffee by beach

I’ll also add that it was the most expensive strong latte I’ve ever had, at $4.10. But that’s Sydney for you.

Pool Caffe, Marine Pde, Maroubra
Top coffee at beachside location

There’s another pic for you, this time of Maroubra Beach.

Day 2: Sydney Harbour

Voodoo Espresso, Greenwood Plaza, North Sydney
Nice flavour, texture. Well presented.

Kinokuniya, The Galeries, Sydney
Books disallowed! Good coffee though.

Bar Zeppa, Knox Lane, Double Bay
Coffee commendable. Nice cakes too.

You may be noticing that I am giving all the cafes good reviews. Perhaps I enjoyed good luck, or it may have been that my parents were taking me around, but the standard was generally high at the cafes we visited.

Day 3: Newton & Leichhardt

Newtown is Sydney’s cafe and culture capital while Leichhardt is Sydney’s Italian district, although a poor cousin to Melbourne’s Carlton.

No new reviews from this day’s travels. In Newtown I had coffee at Campos, while in Leichhardt I stopped in at Berkelouw. Berkelouw is very good while Campos is THE place to be for caffeine addicts. Both of them were reviewed in a previous edition.

Day 4, plus some miscellaneous stuff:

Luxe Espresso, Westfield Bondi Junction
Top coffee. Best in centre.

From Jon:
d’ough espresso, Westfield Bondi Junction
Not good. Go Luxe instead.

From Judy:
La Promenade Patisserie, Ramsgate Rd, Ramsgate
Coffee okay. Food is nice.

Portions, Belgrave Esplanade, Sylvania Waters
Nothing special but not bad.

From Jon:
Fix, Sutherland
Good, apparently. And popular, too.

Quikfix, Domestic Terminal, Sydney Airport
Very good. Best at airport.

Remember to post reviews of coffee shops where you are in the comments, be they in Sydney or anywhere else.

Above photos from SkyCam and Tall Family.

QuikFix (or is that Quikfix?) is a coffee outlet at the Sydney Airport domestic terminal food court that I’ve reviewed before at Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews. Basically I was at the airport with my parents and asked them for their opinion on it. That led to the following review:

Quikfix, Sydney Airport
Weak swill. To be avoided.

Ouch.

Anyway, a little while after posting that someone left the following comment:

Ridiculous

Very disappointed and upset.
Im a fan of Quikfix and Allpress Coffee.
The fact that Quikfix uses over 130 kilograms of coffee a week proves that a) either people really do like the coffee….which most likely is the reason why Quikfix receive compliments every time i visit or b) that it is a nice coffee that even the most ignorant of customers would be unable to tell if it was using Arabica or Ethopian pea bean…it really doesnt matter, and The Ritazza bar has a view of concrete with one or two local small carrier planes….Quikfix without the seating area has a view of the entire domestic tarmac with added views that can span almost all the way to the international terminal…Quikfix also employ a vast range of employees, some still in the process of learning and being trained by Allpress….perhaps your coffee was made in a swift manner, by if you believe that the coffee is weak in taste you are wrong or perhaps you just tried a quarter strength soy mocha with 4 sugars to assist you in your critique…or perhaps the workers at Quikfix rejected your request at putting the sugars in for you…..whatever your reasons, perhaps taste again when your tastebuds have fully returned from the burning sensation received from the burnt griphandles of Ritazza Lounge.

Note the completely uncalled for bagging of Ritazza Lounge, the notion that if it’s popular it must be good and - oh yes - “the quarter strength soy mocha with four sugars” I supposedly had. (95% of the time I order a strong latte and do not add sugar, but I digress.)

I always welcome feedback, even negative feedback, and I promised to revisit Quikfix at some point. But since I don’t live in Sydney, this would take some time.

More recently I received an email as follows:

Having seen you’re review on Quikfix, I feel you need to reconsider, I
was at the airport on the weekend, and asked them why they’re coffee
was bad before, they said it was because their machine had broken down on them, but they now have they’re old machine back, so I ask you to go back to Quikfix and give them a fair evaluation.

Fear not, rabid Quikfix fans! I recently had the opportunity to give QuikFix another chance. The result? A high quality, well-presented strong latte. The flavour was spot on and there was fancy latte art to boot. I don’t believe I’ve ever had coffee this good at an airport before.

I’ve altered reviews before, but this is the first time I’ve changed the review 180 degrees - from crap to very good!

Bravo Quikfix for producing good coffee at an airport food court, where I’d least expect it.

MORE TO COME: A swag of coffee reviews from my trip to Sydney shall be posted on this blog shortly.

Eight reviews in this edition, starting in Carlisle St, then Clayton, then the CBD - and one in Sydney’s Tamarama Beach for good measure.

Cafe Vous, off Carlisle St, Balaclava
Good flavour, arcade setting. Recommended.

Cafe Qua, Carlisle St, Balaclava
Another good quality Balaclava cafe.

Caffe Corso, Clayton Rd, Clayton
Alright. Strong enough, at least

Gardenia, Clayton Rd, Clayton
Okay coffee. Nice looking cakes.

Cafe 201, 201 Spring St, Melbourne
Adequate coffee, with good top.

Unnamed lunch and coffee outlet, 628 Bourke St, Melbourne
Competently done take away coffee

Ortigia, 443 Little Collins St, Melbourne
Very nice coffee and lasagna

And now we have one review from a coffee shop in Sydney’s beachside suburbs:

From Judy:
Tamarama Beach Cafe, Tamarama
Good quality, strong beachside coffee.

Where to go for edition 22? Fitzroy has a number of interesting cafes I haven’t tried yet. They even have a place called ‘Caffeine Dealers’. Arouses one’s curiosity, does it not?

224 cafes on the Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews main list.