Humour

Now this is funny. Can’t believe it took me six months to find it:

[11:28:11 AM] Laura says: i hate tuesdays
[11:28:19 AM] Mark says: why??
[11:28:28 AM] Laura says: as well as mondays, wednesday, thursday and fridays
[11:28:38 AM] Mark says: you’re just full of hate =P
[11:28:47 AM] Laura says: maybe
[11:28:56 AM] Laura says: but i love saturdays and sundays
[11:29:13 AM] Mark says: how about mon/tue/wed/thu/fri nights?
[11:29:24 AM] Laura says: hmm
[11:29:30 AM] Laura says: soso
[11:29:32 AM] Laura says: can’t stay up late
[11:29:34 AM] Laura says: oh
[11:29:41 AM] Laura says: friday nights aren’t that bad
[11:31:03 AM] Mark says: you hate workdays
[11:31:08 AM] Mark says: and don’t hate other times
[11:31:49 AM] Mark says: work week is 42.5 hours total, week total is 168 hours, therefore you are 25.3% full of hate =)
[11:32:17 AM] Laura says: …
[11:32:20 AM] Laura says: ic..
[11:32:32 AM] Laura says: but you should exclude the hours in bed
[11:32:45 AM] Laura says: i don’t have any feelings when i’m asleep
[11:33:00 AM] Mark says: therefore you do not hate while you’re asleep
[11:33:03 AM] Mark says: my calculation stands
[11:33:13 AM] Mark says: do you hate lunch breaks?
[11:33:27 AM] Laura says: lunch breaks are alright
[11:33:32 AM] Laura says: if i don’t have to rush back
[11:33:33 AM] Laura says: to work
[11:34:16 AM] Mark says: revised calculation = 37.5 hate hours / 168 normal hours
[11:34:21 AM] Mark says: 22.32% hate
[11:34:34 AM] Laura says: ok…
[11:34:47 AM] Laura says: well thats not bad at all
[11:34:54 AM] Mark says: do you hate the journey to and from work, and if so, how long does that take
[11:35:05 AM] Mark says: do you hate getting ready for work in the mornings
[11:35:12 AM] Laura says: oh i hate the journey to work but
[11:35:31 AM] Laura says: i like the journey after work
[11:35:38 AM] Laura says: 10mins?
[11:35:57 AM] Laura says: getting ready, yes i hate it too
[11:36:01 AM] Laura says: i’d rather be in bed
[11:36:11 AM] Mark says: what time you wake up
[11:36:22 AM] Mark says: and what time you wake up on thurs?
[11:36:26 AM] Laura says: i hate it when my alarm starts
[11:36:28 AM] Laura says: hmm
[11:36:38 AM] Laura says: normally 8:15
[11:36:44 AM] Laura says: thurs 7:15
[11:37:47 AM] Mark says: revised: you are 25.15% hate
[11:38:50 AM] Laura says: i doubt the correctness of the figure
[11:39:03 AM] Laura says: you were too confused
[11:39:49 AM] Mark says: 37.5 working hours + 1 hr meeting thurs + 3.75 hrs getting up and going to work
[11:40:10 AM] Mark says: 42.25 hate hours
[11:40:42 AM] Mark says: div by 168 = 25.148809523%
[11:40:51 AM] Mark says: rounded to 25.15%
[11:41:22 AM] Mark says: or, 74.85% non-hate
[11:41:44 AM] Laura says: i hate you
[11:41:51 AM] Laura says: 100%

In my time in a relationship, I find myself jealously guarding the “alone time” of my girlfriend and I. It makes me wonder why parents don’t resent their children for obliterating their time alone as a couple.

But that is not the only reason not to have kids; Bad Dad Radio has compiled many others. Here’s one of them:

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Just one reason like that would be enough to give one pause for thought; but Bad Dad provides 11. At the end of it all, he advises “it’s all worth it.” Maybe it is, but he certainly doesn’t make it appear so!

The bond that a father or mother has with their children must be very strong indeed.

The world needs LOLcafegeek. Not sure why, but it does.

For those interested (and who isn’t?), this photo was taken in McKinnon and the cafe featured in Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews #20.

I had to explain to Indian software developers recently that Western Australia is not in Greece, and Alaska is not in France.

We had asked them to put some headings in on the pages of a new web site, so that users could tell where they were in the site. The headings were generated automatically, and this was fine, except there were some anomalies in the data.

Here are some examples of the type of headings generated: “Top Attractions – Greece – Western Australia” and “Accommodation – France – Alaska”.

Naturally I raised this with the developers: “The headings look good, but this one says ‘Greece – Western Australia’ …” and so on.

They responded as follows: “Can you please explain what the problem is?”

Apparently it wasn’t obvious to them, so I helpfully explained:

“Western Australia is not in Greece, Alaska is not in France, etc”

Priceless.

Of course, given that there is a Paris in Texas, perhaps there is an Alaska in France. Who knows?

I’ve already featured Albi The Racist Dragon and The Humans Are Dead on this blog, but I had to share their song Issues (aka Think About It) with you, as I believe it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever done. Watch the whole thing – you won’t regret it. (RSS readers click here to view):

But to make this the last – and definitive – Flight Of The Conchords post, here is a guide to all my favourite FotC songs, with links. Enjoy.

The Humans Are Dead – Two robots discuss a future apocalyptic world without humans or elephants. Very funny.

Albi The Racist Dragon – The song FotC used to single-handedly eradicate racism in New Zealand. While not a screamer, this one is a must-see just for the concept. Racist dragons, indeed.

Jenny – I quite like this one. Brett impersonates a woman very well.

Hiphopopotamus vs Rhymenoceros – One of their pioneering gangsta rap/folk hybrids. Several classic moments, such as when Jermaine tries to freestyle.

The Most Beautiful Girl In The Room – How do you compliment a girl, and insult her at the same time? FotC have this down.

I’m Not Crying - FotC’s epic romantic breakup song. Oh, the heartbreak.

Sello Tape – Reflections on romance and sticky tape by the FotC love doctors.

Mother Uckers – As you can probably tell from the title, this song is about bank fees and racist fruit vendors.

Wrongness warning on some of the following. Handle with care.

If You’re Into It – This is wrong. Very wrong. Funny though.

Business Time – Not one of my favourite FotC songs. Sarz put it on her blog.

She’s So Hot – Boom! – FotC channel Shaggy. What?

Bowie Song – I would probably find this much funnier if I were familiar with David Bowie’s music. Never mind.

Frodo, Don’t Wear The Ring – We made it. Hooray!

Of course, there are other songs not included here, mainly from their TV series. Feel free to point out the ones that I’ve missed.

Hello all. I am writing this from an Internet cafe in beautiful Zaporizhzhya. What? You’ve never heard of Zaporizhzhya? All I can say is – you are missing out on one of the best mid-sized industrial cities on the Dnieper River. But what with me being filthy rich and all, I get to travel to fascinating places like this practically all the time; some of them even more interesting than Zaporizhzhya, if that’s possible. But what have I learned from it all?

#1: Some Parts Of The World Are Yet To Appreciate The Bean

The coffee bean, that is. I was in Brjánslækur the other week and struggled to in vain to find somewhere that did a decent ristretto in the area. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

#2: Stereotypes Suck

In some third world countries, as soon as they see a foreigner they assume that person has money coming out of their ears. Now, just because that is true in my case hardly means they can go about making assumptions like that. Doesn’t it?

In any case, I still remember the times when I didn’t have quite so much dosh as now. I know the value of money and am hardly about to throw it away. After all, why pay 5 zlotys for a quarter strength soy mocha with 4 sugars when I can bargain down to 4.75?

#3: Being Exceedingly Rich, Travelling The World, Drinking Coffee And Blogging About It Ain’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be

Sometimes, in between the whirlwind of memorable experiences and non-stop fun that this lifestyle brings, I do experience a moment or two of regret that I’m not doing something different with my life. It passes, though.

Still, would my life have more meaning if I put down roots somewhere? Settled down? Found a wife, or, failing that, an unsurpassably brilliant barista?

Who knows. The future is wide open, and I still have my family after all. Now, if only my sister would stop bugging me for loans to pay for her operation.

(This post is an offbeat attempt to use the mystical powers of Robert Hruzek’s group writing projects (latest topic: What I Learned From Vacation) to my own advantage. Should this work, I’ll write a book like The Secret and make loads of money out of it. You have been warned …)

Flight Of The Conchords wrote this song to help fight racism in New Zealand:

I should point out that the Conchords website is reporting technical difficulties. From the site:

A catch 22 type dilemna has struck kiwi band Flight of The Conchords in relation to updating the band news on their website. Members of the band (Jemaine and Bret) have noticed that whenever there are doing things that could be reported on the website, they are too busy to update the website. In addition, whenever the band members have some spare time in which they could update the website, there is usually, as one member put it “nothing going on”. As a direct result of this problem The Conchords may resort to manufacturing news stories about themselves to bolster news items in less busy times.

Hope they manage to clear that one up.

The Melbourne Victory Forum, or should that be the Intellectual Giants Forum, had the following discussion recently, starting here:

El Zilcho

Take a look here:

http://www.j-league.or.jp/data/view….&y=NEW0100&l=E

He was equal 5th highest scorer in the J-League this season. 7 goals from 16 apps.

petargh

5th best? did i miss something? there are 8 players on that list that have scored more than the 7 goals leandro has

jonk

look at the numbers on the left of that list

he’s equal 9th

Skeeter

Equal 5th.

jonk

Sorry Skeeter but can you read numbers

It says 9th!! Marquinos is ninth and all the players equal to him are also ninth.

NINTH!

Note that there are 8 players ahead of him. And he comes next. This makes him….

…. you guessed it, ninth.

I feel like I’m back teachers aiding for grade 2s again

bennyboy123

jonk mate, c’mon. Look again.

He has scored the equal 5th amount of goals in the J-League.

If it actually is him…

jonk

benny

look again

count the amount of people who have more than 7 goals.

That figure is eight.

Which makes him 9th. It doesn’t matter that people above him tied. The fact remains that 8 people are above Leandro, who is 9th.

I know it’s not the real Leandro but holy crap can someone back me up here? Look over the left. That’s the positions. 1st, 2nd, 4 got players equal 3rd, then 2 players equal 7th, then 5 players equal 9th.

Bone

Ok I will explain this once more:

1st 1 UESLEI Sanfrecce Hiroshima 13 76 5/5 15
2nd 2 EDMILSON Albirex Niigata 10 64 2/2 15
=3rd 3 WASHINGTON Urawa Reds 9 65 0/2 16
=3rd 3 JUNINHO Kawasaki Frontale 9 59 0/1 16
=3rd 3 BARE Gamba Osaka 9 57 0/0 16
=3rd 3 Yoshito OKUBO Vissel Kobe 9 51 2/2 16
=4th 7 JOHNSEN Nagoya Grampus Eight 8 36 0/0 18
=4th 7 Hisato SATO Sanfrecce Hiroshima 8 42 0/0 17
=5th 9 MARQUINHOS Kashima Antlers 7 57 0/0 16
=5th 9 Tadanari LEE Kashiwa Reysol 7 17 0/0 16
=5th 9 Koji YAMASE Yokohama F･Marinos 7 43 1/2 18
=5th 9 MAGNO ALVES Gamba Osaka 7 47 0/0 17
=5th 9 LEANDRO Vissel Kobe 7 28 0/0 16

He has the 5th highest amount of goals

13 goals
10 goals
9 goals
8 goals
7 goals

jeez

jonk

lol

its

1st 13
2nd 10
3rd 9
3rd 9
3rd 9
3rd 9
7th 8
7th 8
9th 7
9th 7
9th 7
9th 7
9th 7

I corrected your post to what it should be as well. Just look at my list hard enough and you will understand. He’s equal 9th, no two ways about it.

Skeeter

Jonk, your logic makes no sense.

Bone

NO!!!! he has the 5th highest amount of goals. THEREFORE MAKING HIM THE FIFTH HIGHEST GOAL SCORER.

jonk

lol Skeeter this is how sport placing has worked for the whole of human history. Your logic makes no sense.

If EIGHT people BEAT you at something that makes you… NINTH! Who cares if 4 dudes tied on 9 goals, it means jack shit, they still beat all the people below them!!

Just look at the website, they have exactly the same understanding as me. Don’t you wonder what the numbers on the very left column mean?

hahahaha it’s so bad cos you think I’m wrong lol

IF eight people beat you that makes you ninth. What don’t you understand that simple logic?

Do you want me to list out the eight people that did better?

bennyboy123

He has scored the 5th highest amount of goals in the league. (even though its not him)

wizza

…and we wonder why we are called tards… *shakes head*

markk

What???? Eight people beat you means you are ninth?

I suppose next you’ll be telling us that bronze medalists came third.

I mean, honestly …

HoneyBee

It makes perfect sense.

Once, I got a bronze medal because the first 2 got equal Gold.

2nd placing disappears, as 1st overrides it.

Gold: Missy
Gold: Kristine
Bronze: HB.

Skeeter

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

El Zilcho

Pity the fool who first suggested he was equal 5th…

From xkcd, a comic that bears an eerie resemblance to the issues raised in the copyright post of a few days ago (click for full size:)