Humour

From the “Future Echoes” episode of Red Dwarf: 

RIMMER: Lister, it *has* happened. You can’t change it, any more than
  you can change what you had for breakfast yesterday.
LISTER: Hey, it hasn’t happened, has it? It has “will have going to have
  happened” happened, but it hasn’t actually “happened” happened yet,
  actually.
RIMMER: Poppycock! It will be happened; it shall be going to be
  happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken
  place in the future. Simple as that. Your bucket’s been kicked, baby.

Now then: Science hopes to change events that have already occurred.

I now would like to draw your attention to an upcoming film that is important and groundbreaking like none before it. For you see, this film is about a topic that other films don’t even dare to touch. That’s right my friends; this is a film about a font.

Yes, a font. You read that correctly. Finally, someone has decided to make a film about Helvetica, the peoples’ font of choice.

Helvetica was a nobody. But what Helvetica does not realise is that he alone has what it takes to save the world from it’s new enemy; the evil Wingdings. Can Helvetica save the world from the evil forces of indecipherable fonts, and win the heart of the beautiful Arial?

You will be truly moved by the heartrending story of a font that nobody believed in; a font that, faced with opposition from all sides, refuses to give in against all reason.

Coming soon to a cinema near you.

Australians, be proud of your achievements! First we hoodwink Oprah Winfrey with The Secret, now we’ve done it again with Dunstan Baby Language!

We’re swindling the world, and if that isn’t enough to make you patriotic, nothing will.

ADVICE UPDATE: If you are struggling with your studies, hypnotize your teacher.

MAN, CHIMP-MAN OR JUST PLAIN CHIMP?: It’s not obvious. Nor is it obvious why a turtle needs a MySpace page.

So there we were at a family picnic last Saturday, at the most obscure picnic area in the Dandenongs that we could find, eating ham, tomato and cheese rolls. I managed to get flour on myself, so brother Peter suggested that he take a photo with his snazzy new digital camera. I was resistant to this idea, but as Peter got ready, Matthew, another brother, decided at this moment to wipe his roll on my face, leaving more flour there.

Do you think I was going to let such a invasion of my person go unanswered? Indeed, I did not, could not. Retaliation was in order. I fought back. Using my half-eaten roll as a weapon, I struck out at his face and hair, wiping cheese, tomato, margarine and flour anywhere I could get it. He did likewise.

I like to think I came off the better from this encounter. Mat had tomato, cheese and margarine in his hair afterwards. I was merely coated with flour.

Did I mention Peter had a snazzy new digital camera? All the better to record your food fights with, my dear. As follows:

My only regret is that sister Sarah didn’t join in.

Cognitive Daily has a funny and useful post entitled How NOT to write a science book. Recommended reading for anyone who plans on writing a science book or any other type of book, or an article, a blog or delivering a lecture or sermon.

The first point is as follows:

Use lots of anecdotes. A good writer should tell a story, right? Keeping a thread of a plot will help perk up a reader’s interest through dense scientific information. Even better, you might think: string together thirty or forty unrelated stories per chapter, each making the exact same point. Your readers are stupid, so you must repeatedly pummel them with the same information over and over again, in nonscientific anecdotal fashion. After all, who would read a science book to get scientific information? Not your readers, that’s for sure. This tactic also shows off the important scientific goal of demonstrating that you have lots of friends who are willing to tell you stories that you can then write about in your books.

In other words, keep it relevant and don’t repeat yourself.

There’s more where that came from, so go and read it now!

I’ve long held interest in humour originating from the long-suffering residents of Communist countries. The examples following are from Laughing Under The Covers, but I’ve seen variants of them in other places.

First of all, a joke about shortages in consumer goods and food:

In some country, communists managed to get elected to govern. In a few months the economy had become as it could be expected from anyone following the Soviet model. As the USSR promised help, the country’s President sent a telegram to Brezhnev, “Please send food.”
Brezhnev answered with a telegram, “Tighten the belts.”
The next telegram from the new communist-ruled country said, “Urgently send belts.”

And another about food shortages:

A woman walks into a food store. “Do you have any meat?”
“No, we don’t.”
“What about milk?”
“This is a butcher. We only deal with meat. The store with no milk is across the street.”

I particularly like this one:

Brezhnev gives a speech at a Party congress, and says, “Comrade, the Planning Committee reports that next year we’ll have no meat. Your suggestions?”
The audience is silent. Then a lone voice from the audience sounds, “We’ll work ten hours a day!”
Brezhnev continues, “The planning Committee reports that in two years we’ll have no milk products. Your suggestions?”
The audience is silent, then the same voice sounds, “We’ll work twelve hours a day.”
Brezhnev continues, “The Planning Committee reports that in three years we’ll have shortage of bread. Your suggestions?”
The same voice says, “We’ll work day and night without rest.”
Tears appear in Brezhnev’s eyes. “Thank you, dear comrade for your patriotic initiative. Let me ask you, where do you work?”
“In a crematorium.”

More to come!

Featuring loads of stuff I’ve been meaning to link to, but never have.

ADVICE YOU OUGHT TO FOLLOW: Drinking seawater or moronic acid is a bad idea.

DUDE: Types of sharks that sound like heavy metal band names.

300 < 666: The movie 300 is actually about creation vs. evolution, says atheist blogger PZ Myers.

IT’S 1984 ALL OVER AGAIN: There are 28 CCTV cameras within 200 yards of George Orwell’s house.

I’LL PASS: The world’s ugliest clothes are also the most expensive.

HO HO HO: Khrushchev sends a Christmas letter.

THE DESTROYINATOR: Don’t throw pearls before swine, or mobile phones before parrots.

WHY DID THE CAT CATCH THE BUS?: To get some fish and chips.

Pete of Freaked Out Fathers has a very funny post (and a followup) featuring Bible scenes from the Brick Testament, which is the Bible recreated in Lego. Scenes depicting people rising from the dead show them as zombies! That’s right, Lego zombies. From the Bible. How cool is that?

The Brick Testament also depicts the beheading of John the Baptist, many gory scenes from the life of Moses, and this representation of the Last Supper:

Happy Easter, everyone.

Yes, you. And quite frankly, I think you’ve had it coming. You’ve been emitting toxic fumes for far too long.

“Me? Emitting toxic fumes?” Don’t play innocent with us. You no doubt are aware that carbon dioxide is killing the Earth via global warming? Yet there you are, thoughtlessly breathing it out. How could you be so selfish?

Therefore, you are now ordered by the United States Supreme Court to cease and desist from the following activities:

• respiration, breathing
• combustion
• fire
• using electrical devices (electricity is fire by the law)
• fermentation, production of alcoholic drinks

These, and all other activities that emit the air pollutant carbon dioxide into our atmosphere are now forbidden by law.

My evil brother, Matthew, pointed me to an article about the greatest April Fool’s jokes of all time. Funny stuff. From the article:

In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.

Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth’s gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.

In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon’s voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.

I’ve blogged about this once before, but I used to tell people that I had a second sister named Leanne, that we kept locked up in the attic because she was mentally disturbed, violent and thus dangerous. I managed to con two people into actually believing this. I well remember the following conversation:

“I have another sister called Leanne. We keep her in the attic because she’s mentally ill. We can’t let her out or she’ll injure somebody”

“Oh, that is so sad.”

“Yes. Yes it is.” (trying hard not to laugh)

On another occasion, at the family dinner table, I pronounced “42% of statistics are made up”.

“Really? That’s a pretty high figure” my mum replied. “42% of statistics are made up! How interesting.”

Reckon you can top that? What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever managed to con someone into believing?