Melbourne

Have you heard of Muzz Buzz? It’s a drive-through coffee outlet that’s been operating in Western Australia - and now, it’s arrived in Melbourne. This is their outlet at DFO Cheltenham:

Muzz Buzz has a large variety of menu items, from iced drinks to flavoured coffee to food, ice-creams and energy drinks. Their coffee flavourings are at no extra cost, which is unusual.

I’m not a huge fan of drive-through coffee outlets, but I thought I’d give it a go. Here’s what their coffee looks like - note the straw. Who drinks coffee through a straw?

Unfortunately the coffee was close to lukewarm and a little weak (I ordered strong). My girlfriend Marjorie ordered a flavoured coffee, which was definitely nicer.

They got at least one satisfied customer that day:

Recommended for: Drivers who like the convenience of drinking coffee through a straw. Flavoured coffee lovers.

Not recommended for: People who like coffee that tastes like coffee.

——

Later the same day, I got to try Nespresso.

Nespresso is a novel attempt by Nescafe to market themselves as the high end of the coffee market, although perhaps not high enough for coffee snobs. Basically, the system consists of a very easy to use coffee machine that uses Nespresso coffee pods - and nothing else. There are, I think, a dozen varieties of the pods available. Others have criticised the system for using stale coffee in the pods, plus the proprietary nature of the pods will be a concern for some. What concerns me, as always, is how the coffee tastes.

At their kiosk in Myer, I had a chance to find out. After enduring their marketing spiel, I had a latte using a ‘Ristretto’ pod (the strongest pod available).  So how did it taste? Not bad at all really. The latte was creamy, with little bitterness I thought. The flavour was a bit lacking compared to a good cafe, but still beats a lot of mediocre cafes and about 90% of home setups.

Recommended for: A take-away or similar business looking to sell quick and easy espresso on the side, without serving watery weak swill. Or, someone wanting a semi-sophisticated setup at home, without spending four figures.

Not recommended for: Coffee snobs. Get a better machine, and fresher beans.

I was walking down the Nepean Highway in downtown Frankston (motto: “Bogans By The Sea”) when I came across this gem of graffiti scrawled across a wall:

I’m not sure many people will agree with this sentiment; there are an awful lot of “I Love Frankston” bumper stickers on local cars. But what could cause such discontent? Another piece of graffiti, conveniently right next to it, could provide the explanation:

In case you can’t read that, it states:

“Frankston is a microcosm of Australia. Public servants are parasites feeding off the people of this country. It’s now a crime for a father to catch public transport.”

It was that last statement that caught my attention. It’s now illegal for a father to catch public transport? When did this happen? Why have I not heard about this? And if this is incorrect, how did our graffiti scribbler come to think otherwise?

Imagine this scenario:

You are a man, old enough to be a parent, in Frankston, when you decide to catch a bus to Cranbourne (since you’ve always wanted to see the Botanic Gardens, remember?). No sooner do you board the bus, when who should step on but two transit police! They stroll purposefully in your direction, and you have a feeling they’re headed for you. No matter, you think, you have a valid ticket. You are ready to produce it for inspection when one of the cops says:

“Are you a father?”

“Er - no.”

“Are you in league with fathers?”

And since you can NOT prove that you are NOT a father, nor a father-sympathiser, you are politely but firmly escorted from the bus.

Could this happen in Australia? Seems unlikely to me, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything. Perhaps a local expert, such as Pete from Freaked Out Fathers, could shed some light on this matter.

The backstory: I reviewed Expresso Drive Thru in Murrumbeena, and subsequently was threatened with a lawsuit. Then, just recently, I get the following comment:

Friends Of Coffee
“it is interesting to note that despite a request for your address to serve legal papers you have not provided this to them. I think to be fair to them you should give your full name and address to them, and be prepared for any action if any. Easy to hide behind a blog Mark. You look like a fool, and are certainly acting like one Mark!”

It is also interesting to note that I’ve only got comments in support of Expresso Drive Thru since their management got wind of my post.

Today when logging in, I noticed a comment from “jon” stating “this blog is lame. Have you got anything good to say about anyone. I would say this is all about a man angry with his world and who has a massive chip on his shoulder. Get some therapy!!”

I looked, and it was on the Melbourne Coffee Reviews page. “What a strange place to leave a comment like that”, I thought. But then I saw Friends Of Coffee above, who left that comment, with the same IP address.

Coincidence? You decide!

Mr. Of Coffee, or jon (if that’s your real name), you obviously are the bloke who runs Expresso Drive Thru in Murrumbeena, or a very close friend. It should be obvious by now that your legal threats have backfired on you. Let me give you some advice about how our legal system works, and how you should react when confronted by criticism:

#1. You can’t sue someone for making you money. Instead, you have to show that the alleged defamation has harmed your business in some way. This is important. Because of this, sending your defendant emails that state “Thanks also for the publicity and the pick up in business we are receiving as a result” is a bad idea. (Yes, this actually happened!)

#2. When you know nothing about the legal system, keep in mind that some people know more than you do. This could be relevant if, for example, you are suing a blog for defamation when there are posts about defamation on that blog.

#3. Why not just ask for a second opinion? When the blog that has said bad things about your product, has in the past given other businesses a second opinion on request, perhaps asking for a second opinion just might be a better idea than half-baked threats.

Friends Of Coffee, clearly you feel a little hard done by. If one critical post has made you feel that way, imagine how pissed off you would be if someone threatened to drag you in front of a court and bankrupt you over something you said.

Just a thought.

The find of this edition is in Mornington. Yes, Mornington. Keep reading for details; but first, a detour to Sydney.

From Judy:
Driftwood Cafe, Cronulla Mall, Cronulla
Very good coffee, served hot.

Carlo’s Espresso Cafe, Forest Rd, Hurstville
Great coffee. Has won awards.

From yours truly:

Caffe Moravia, Burke Rd, Camberwell
Quite good coffee and atmosphere.

Turtle Bean Cafe, Poath Rd, Murrumbeena
Bar or cafe? Adequate coffee.

Expresso Drive Thru, Murrumbeena Rd, Murrumbeena
Cheerful service but awful coffee.

Cosmic Bear Cafe, Atherton St, Oakleigh
Nice. Good flavour, well presented.

Beetle Cafe, Dandenong Plaza, Dandenong
Very strong coffee. Not bad.

Malibu, Karingal Hub, Frankston
Food is okay. Coffee mediocre.

Avocado Blue, Main St, Mornington
Nice food. Coffee nothing special.

Coffee Traders, Blake St, Mornington
Excellent coffee. Highly recommended. Euphoria.

Every local area has its oddballs, and thus Southland Shopping Centre here in Melbourne has the Southland Headphone Guy. Put simply, this is someone who is constantly at Southland, either listening to music on his bright pink headphones, or doing fly kicks. Everyone who works at Southland knows who he is.

All of which would probably not be worth blogging about; except that someone has started a Southland Headphone Guy group on Facebook. It has 1606 members and features photos and video footage.

From the group page:

He is up there with the strange wonders of Southland such as Mono-brow Man, Bee-hive-hair Lady, that strange asian guy that looks like he’s about to go fishing and carries a scooter with him, the middle aged bearded dwarf that always rides his bike around and the guy that looks 110 years old that dresses mighty snappy by always wearing a suit (but has a tie far too long on).

As you can see, some people have gone to the trouble of having their photos taken with him.

Is this stalking, or is it harmless fun?

In my recent post about Melbourne oddities I somehow missed the Swanston/ La Trobe Traffic Light Of Death:

The Abominable Traffic Signal, right in the heart of the city, attempts to give due consideration to cyclists, pedestrians (1,000,000,000 approx.) and trams (on both streets) as well as cars. Not to mention that Swanston St is closed to most traffic between 7am and 7pm, but only on one side of this intersection.

If your city features anything similar or worse, we’d love to hear about it.

Speaking of oddities, Benjamin at Hello Internet has a YouTube post up about weird and wonderful things in Perth that is worth your viewing. This is, of course, due to me tagging him earlier. Go memes!

(Photo from here.)

I’ve been asked a question. That question is “What, in your opinion, is or are the most amazing, unusual, strange or just plain weird things about where you live? “

Robert Hruzek is the questioner. My Home Town is the new meme! I live in Melbourne, and this post is my attempt to answer Robert’s question.

Given this is a meme, I’ve got to tag people, but that’ll come at the end of the post.

1. Lonsdale St Power Station

Only Melbourne is visionary enough to build a power station right in the middle of its central business district. It is about to be demolished, but the smokestack, covered in eye-catching graffiti slogans such as “Save The Tarkine” and “No Jobs On A Dead Planet”, is still standing.

2. Bunjil the Creator

Bunjil is a god that noone worships, but at least he has a statue erected to him now, thanks to the Victorian Government. Bunjil stands above Wurundjeri Way, watching out for evil and compiling traffic reports.

3. Eureka Tower

Purportedly the world’s largest residential tower (or was that on the Gold Coast?), it features a glass observation deck that juts out of the side of the building. One of Melbourne’s newest features. I plan on visiting it myself in the near future.

4. Man on disembodied hand

An artwork on display in Southbank. About standing on the shoulders of giants, or perhaps their hands. Not sure how that works.

5. Subterranean Library

An underground library, with only one corner visible above the surface.

I’ve never been able to find the entrance. Can anyone help me out here?

6. The Flying Pig

Yarp. A flying pig. And you thought they didn’t exist. Well, this one does.

Many people miss this as it’s close to a massive billboard. Nobody misses the billboard.

7. Massive Oversized Purse

Something for people to walk around in Bourke St Mall, and think it’s a clam if they come at it from the wrong angle.

8. Strange, But Very Colourful Beast

This one’s outside the National Gallery. Based on a hallucination of one of Melbourne’s founders, so it’s both trippy and historical.

(Actually I made that last bit up, but it ought to be true, and that’s close enough, right?)

9. Eyes On Stalks

Another weird piece of art in Southbank.

This is the official piece of Melbourne weirdness. The City Council certainly thinks so, anyway.

10. Waterfall Boat

Another Southbank artwork, this one is hidden away from the main drag so noone can see it. Which makes it difficult if you have to find it as part of a scavenger hunt. But that’s another story.

11. Rather Large Hammer

On Russell St. I don’t want to meet the carpenter.

12. The Shot Tower

It survives because the developers weren’t allowed to knock it down. They built a huge dome around it instead.

Very cool.

13. Trams

Probably not all that unique by international standards, but Melbourne is the only Australian city that has trams. (Glenelg and Sydney don’t count.) The tram network runs for 245km in various routes. One of the two things that define Melbourne in the eyes of other Australians. (The other is bad weather.)

In fact, Melbourne loves its trams so much there was a flying tram featured in the 2006 Commonwealth Games opening ceremony, as pictured here.

14. Hook turns

Only applicable when you see a sign such as the one to the right. You will recall that Australians drive on the left. In a hook turn, a driver must stay in the left lane, enter the intersection on the green light, and wait until it goes red before making the turn.

Confused? A helpful animation is available , although it may just confuse you further.

The hook turn is there so that trams are not blocked by cars turning right. Bewildering not only to international visitors, but also other Australians and many Melbourne residents.

15. Street art

Melbourne has a large and varied street art scene, one of the best in the world apparently. Click for full size image:

Loads more Melbourne street art can be viewed at GII.net.

16. Music scene

While writing this post I realised that a lot of my favourite music is from Melbourne, which is completely a coincidence rather than by design. So, while it takes this post into self-indulgent territory, here are three interesting and unique Melbourne music clips. (RSS readers, click through to view:)

Midnight Juggernauts - Shadows

Midnight Juggernauts are “indie electro synth pop” according to Inpress. Very cool song with a Tron-like clip. Their album comes out in a week or so.

The Avalanches - Frontier Psychiatrist

Their album, “Since I Left You”, makes all other music sound underdone by comparison. Usually classified as “Dance”, this is nothing like anything you’d hear at a club. The clip fits the music well.

Magic Dirt - Pristine Christine

Who doesn’t like a bit of noise rock from Geelong? Plenty of people, actually, but I spent a year listening to little else apart from their “Friends In Danger” album, this song being one of my favourites.

And now… memerific tag action!!!

Expect My Home Town posts from the following, provided they’re up for it:

• Benjamin, Perth, supposedly in Western Australia
• The Molks, Brisbane, Queensland
• Jason, Taipei, Taiwan
• Hrafn, Reykjavik, Iceland

(Photo credits: Toxic Custard, Mugley, Melbourne In Photos, others as already noted. Sorry if I forgot anyone.)

We start this edition in Goulburn, in rural NSW, and Oatley, in Sydney’s south:

From Jon:
Bryants Bakery, Auburn St, Goulburn
Surprisingly good coffee and ambience

Dolce Espresso, Letitia St, Oatley
Good to average. Nothing groundbreaking.

Centre Place is one of those cool alleyways between Bourke St and Flinders St that is chock-full of coffee shops and other good things. Most of them are tiny, particularly Jungle Bar, reviewed below.

Jungle Bar, Centre Place, Melbourne
Very good flavour, tiny cafe

Five, Centre Place, Melbourne
Decent coffee but slightly burnt

Bambini Barrista, rear 530 Little Collins St, Melbourne
Flavour not bad, nice top

Rive Gauche, Southgate Food Court, Southbank
Good flavour, generous loyalty card

Q11, Coventry St, South Melbourne
Decent, strong coffee. Good service.

I’ve been systematically plowing through Brunswick St in Fitzroy lately. It has a bunch of cafes, including at least two very good ones.

Don Vincenzo, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Decent coffee and funky atmosphere

Endis Cafe, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Coffee adequate but nothing special

Cafe Nova, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Cafe features good coffee, fireplace

Caffeine Dealers, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Very good coffee found here

And now, out to the ‘burbs. South eastern suburbs, specifically.

Nikos Quality Cakes, Portman St, Oakleigh
Very good coffee, nice cakes

Santucci’s, Koornang Rd, Carnegie
Good atmosphere, paintings, decent coffee

Figjam Cafe, Koornang Rd, Carnegie
Good texture and decent flavour

One other thing: I was recently emailed by the owner of Mozart’s in Gymea, who told me that it has changed hands and now serves much better coffee. I am yet to verify this; I don’t live in Sydney after all; but if any of you want to check it out and tell us of your experience, feel free.

Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews #23 and as usual, there is mediocrity out there, but also some gems. Good coffee in Dandenong! Who would have thought?

Fancy Fillings, DFO, Spencer St Melbourne
Okay. Nothing special, not bad.

From Tim:
Cafe Crema, 488 Swanston St, Carlton
Popular. Top service, good coffee.

From SaRz’s mum:
Express Cafe, Royal Childrens Hospital, Parkville
Same old, same old coffee

Don’t think she liked it.

Friends Of The Earth, Smith St, Collingwood
Green commies serve decent brew.

Atomica Caffe, Brunswick St, Fitzroy
Smooth. Good service, great coffee.

Espresso Affair, Centre Rd, East Bentleigh
Not bad. A bit thin.

Marlo’s, Centre Rd, Bentleigh
Presentation, flavour, texture spot on.

Limonatta, McKinnon Rd, McKinnon
Competently done. Kids books, papers.

Cafe Galiano, Southland Shopping Centre, Cheltenham
Reasonable coffee. Nothing spectacular, though.

Esperence Cafe, Springvale Rd, Springvale
Atmosphere good, coffee nothing special

Coffee ‘n’ all, Dandenong Plaza, Dandenong
Good flavour and well presented

Switch, Knox O-Zone, Wantirna South
Decent flavour, texture. Not bad.

Bar Bosh, Knox O-Zone, Wantirna South
Burnt flavour. Not the best.

Now we have over 200 reviews in total! Remember to submit your own reviews by leaving a comment!

I went to a coffee shop recently (okay, it was Limonatta in McKinnon) at around 2pm. There were only a few customers there but soon more came in; apparently regulars of the rusted-on variety. The woman running the place knew every one of them by name. Impressive, huh?

She didn’t know me by name, since it was my first time there. In fact, since I frequent so many cafes, I can count the number of times I have gotten to know the staff on the fingers of one hand. When it does happen, it’s nice, but it’s not something I really expect.

My expectations as to service are not unreasonable. As I have stated before, if, at a café, someone comes to my table to take my order, than delivers the coffee within a reasonable timeframe, and the coffee is good, than it matters little to me how rude or impolite the staff are. If, when delivering the strong latte I ordered, they snarl “Here’s your coffee, you swine”, if it is a very good strong latte I shall definitely return.

But I’m not sure there are many others who think the same way.