Romance

I haven’t blogged about this before, but I have now been going out with my girlfriend, Marjorie, for about six months.

As she is my first real girlfriend (there had been a few half-chances earlier), I have found the relationship a real adventure, and there has also been much to learn.

To that end, I have been spending much time reading relationship books, both with her and on my own. I have learned much from doing this, and can heartily recommend it to any couple. It has opened my eyes to many issues and how these impact on a relationship. Chances are, your significant other has a different family background, and different viewpoints on subjects as diverse as money, sex, religion and gender roles. All these things need to be discussed.

There are many useful web resources also.

But books can only take you so far, and unfortunately some of them contain bad advice, sad to say. It is highly advantageous to at some point consider some form of Christian Counseling, done by qualified professionals who have experience in the field, who can analyze and apply solid relationship truths to what is happening in your relationship.

I think it’s important to take relationships seriously. For that reason, I intend to do some form of pre-marital counselling once that becomes appropriate.

You remember, of course, my previous discussion on this subject. It is now the case that I have had a fake girlfriend, but for a different reason. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I walked into church with a girl of my acquaintance and sat with her and other friends during the service. Quite innocent, no? A few days later I received a text message informing me of a rumour going around that Denese and I were going out. Doesn’t take much, does it?

I could easily have quashed the rumour by spreading The Truth. But what fun would that be? Denese and I, who both found the rumour hilarious, decided to take a different approach. Namely, to ensure that the rumour would spread.

Doing this was almost too easy. All I did was hold her hand during the service for a few seconds at a time when certain other people were watching. That, and occasionally putting my arm around her. After the service, we walked out arm in arm.

That was it. We didn’t kiss, or anything similar. But I could tell from the looks I was getting that people were convinced.

That was the beginning. It was to go further. Much further. The fake relationship took on a momentum of its own. I’ll post the details over the coming days, but in the meantime I’ll simply let this post be my confession that our relationship was fake and the girlfriend was not a girlfriend.

In the meantime, I’ll let you enjoy this pic:

One of my friends – let’s call her Marjorie – has had some unwelcome attention from a much older guy that she is definitely not interested in, and who is impervious to normal hints among those lines. We shall call him Hubert.

Hubert has been pursuing Marjorie for quite some time now, so we were recently discussing ideas of how to put him off. Such as the following:

- Marjorie should go out on a date with Hubert and then do something completely psychotic or otherwise off-putting during the date in order to dampen his enthusiasm.
- Marjorie should deliberately make herself look hideous somehow, in order to become repulsive to Hubert.
- Marjorie should acquire a fake boyfriend.

The last option has me intrigued. It appears to me to be the most likely to succeed method and has few downsides.

Has anyone here ever been a fake boyfriend or girlfriend for the same reason? If so, how did that go? Do you recommend the fake boyfriend strategy?

Not so long ago, I had a succession of dates with a girl, and on one of these dates, the topic of Stalin came up, as generally happens on these occasions. I was flabbergasted to find out that she had never heard of Stalin.

“She’s never heard of Stalin!”, said I to my sister shortly afterwards. This became a running joke. Whenever I would talk about a girl I was possibly interested in, Sarah would say, “But does she know who Stalin is?”

Fast forward to more recent times, and there I am enjoying lunch with a different girl (didn’t work out with the first one for some reason) only to run into the same conundrum: she hasn’t heard of Stalin, either.

This raises so many issues I scarcely know where to begin. First of all, can I get together with someone who hasn’t heard of Stalin? If not, where do I find a girl who has?

Secondly, I want to be remembered for something once I pass on, as do we all. I would have thought that murdering 30 million people, as Stalin did, would ensure that this would happen. Apparently not.

How many people do I have to kill to ensure I am remembered by history?

EDUCATE THYSELF: For those who have not heard of Stalin, I have blogged about him before.

My sister Sarah has an ongoing thing at her church, where they ask visiting speakers “Is coffee a date?” (You too can have that much fun if you move to Wodonga.) In other words, if you take a girl out for coffee at a café somewhere, does this constitute a date, or does a date have to be more involved, such as dinner and movie?

Hmmm. Let me ponder this question for a sec.

Sarah, when telling me about this, laughed and said “Of course coffee isn’t a date!” But then when a local bloke asked her for coffee, she refused. Not her type, apparently. Huh?

I have, in the recent past, had a dinner and movie evening with a girl. Was it a date? Certainly didn’t feel like one. On another occasion, I took a girl out for coffee and it definitely felt like a date.

But is it a date when one of the two thinks it is, and the other does not? Or is anything a date, so long as there is a guy and a girl involved?

Enquiring minds want to know.

WANT MORE?: The morbidly curious can read more about my love life at Laughter and romantic false starts and Girl confessions.

A few posts ago I commented on some misadventures in my love life. I have now realised where I went wrong. My brother Matthew (of Save The Mexican Wave fame) posted some romance advice on his blog a while back. Here’s the first point:

Tip #1.

Look a women deep in the eyes.. smile.. and say (in your smoothest, most silkiest voice) :

”I like cheese.”

That’s a guarantee for a kiss within 5 minutes. Try it out lads and get back to me.

You may be thinking, “That could be a good idea, but I’m not sure it would actually work”. Oh ye of little faith. Turns out cheese has some special qualities.

This post is about a girl. We shall call her Beulah. If you’re reading this, Beulah, I wish you well.

Beulah was interested in me. Of that I am quite certain. On one occasion, a friend said “You know, Beulah really likes you” and I thought “Well, duh”. It was that obvious.

The attraction was mutual, but were we really compatible? I wasn’t sure, but after several coffee outings (mostly with other friends, but some without) I decided to throw caution to the wind and just go for it.

Nothing was official yet, but we had been on this path for a few months now, to the point where we were almost boyfriend and girlfriend by default, or so I thought. Time to set up another date, then.

So I sent her a text message. She responded, “I think it would be better if we don’t hang out together too much. I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m sorry.”

Huh? What “wrong idea” might that be? The same idea you have been trying to drill into my head on every occasion for the last four months?

How absurd. How funny.

I’ve seen this happen a few times now. It works like this:

1. Girl X is interested in Boy Y
2. Boy Y, who hadn’t been interested, then becomes interested
3. On noticing this change, Girl X promptly changes her mind

You have to laugh. I know I do.

The alternative is the following:

1. Girl X is interested in Boy Y
2. Boy Y isn’t interested and stays that way
3. Girl X eventually gives up

How does anyone get together?

Valentine’s day isn’t just for people; dogs can find love too, thanks to a new website. Gotta love the Internet.

For the rest of us, nothing says “I love you” like a huge snake or smuggling leopard sharks.

UPDATE: Leopard sharks eh? I take it those are half leopard, half shark. I want one as a pet.

Part of the Font of Female Wisdom (a very lame font) is that to get a guy to stop liking you, give him the cold shoulder. The coldness of the shoulder varies from girl to girl; some have very icy shoulders indeed. I have seen this done on several occasions. Sarah has done it more than once. Yet here’s the thing – I have never seen this work. I have pondered this and discovered a fatal flaw in the strategy. So, to all the ladies out there, I shall share this flaw with you and offer you some advice, because you clearly need it.

The reason this strategy is so lame is quite simple; it does not deal with why he finds you attractive in the first place. Once you deal with that, hey presto, off he goes! So here are some simple steps for you to consider:

First and foremost, you need to sabotage your looks. Gain 30 kilos, wear frumpy clothes with food smeared all over them, and for goodness sake, stop showering. Wear no deodorant or perfume. Don’t bother doing your hair or make-up. Scar yourself with cigarette burns. Cut off one of your limbs. This will be enough to drive him away 90% of the time.

For the rest, it’s time to play “Opposites”. If he doesn’t smoke, you need to chain smoke. If he does, time to quit. If he doesn’t drink, you start. Pretend to be drunk 24/7 if that’s what it takes. If you were a hard partier, time to convert to Islam. If you were athletic, time to start slobbing and eating KFC.

Keep at it, and before you know it, you will go from “Wow!” to “Eeewwww!” in your stalker’s eyes.

And, oh yes, happy birthday Sarah!

 Here is a fun exercise for all that know me; guess who the people are in the following paragraph. Details have been changed, except where they haven’t been.

 I got interested in Girl A. I was shy, though, so I didn’t approach her straight away. In the meantime, Girl B became interested in me, but I did not reciprocate. I also met Girl C. There was a mutual attraction, but I was cautious. Eventually I approached Girl A and got knocked back. Girl B asked me out, with no success. Girl D showed interest, but after I didn’t show any in return, she gave up. I then started to notice Girl E, but to no avail. Girl F was flirting with me but I was clueless. Girl G asked me out, but I turned her down. I then asked out Girl F, but it was too late. I had lost contact with Girl C by this stage. After this, I met Girl H, who flirted with me. This time, I was not clueless, but I didn’t respond. I asked out Girl E. She refused. I then found that Girl J liked me, but she wasn’t my type. I lost contact with Girl H. I tried Girl E again, without success. I met Girl K, but she wasn’t interested in anyone. Girl H reappeared, and was flirting with me again. This time, I gave her serious consideration, but I was also interested in Girl L. When it became clear that Girl L would not come to the party, I lost interest.

I am now happily single.