My Opinions Are Important

Recently, this comment was left on the Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews:

It never ceases to amaze me the lobotomising critics.
IE. See below

Café Laurella, Wahroonga
Nice atmosphere, coffee was disappointing

I drink Coffee at Laurella weakly (its local) Yes on occasion (very rare) the coffee is not fantastic. I know the beans are good quality (*that’s why I come here )
So Mr Critic please cease being a monosyllabic fool and tell me when you were at my local cafe was the
Milk to hot, burnt, to cold, the flavor to bitter (head not rinsed) the beans to strong, over / under roasted (maybe you like the burnt starbuks flavor) Did you wate to long or do you owne the cafe around the corner?

Josh
PS you dont get a better feed on the upper north shore quolity, portion/ $

First of all, Josh, thanks for your comment. (Really. I get so much comment spam I appreciate all genuine feedback, whether positive or negative.)

Now, regarding Five Word Coffee Shop Reviews - these are only five words long. Being monosyllabic is the entire point. Part of the challenge of writing them is getting the gist of a coffee shop across with only five words.

I should point out, though, that none of them are written by professional reviewers in any sense. Those that write them (including myself) are interested amateurs. We have been to a lot of coffee shops, we like coffee and cafe culture and we are always interested in finding a good cafe; but many of the finer points a coffee professional could make, we cannot.

Does this mean we like Starbucks or Gloria Jeans? Please do not insult us, Josh! I have made my feelings about Starbucks quite clear, and they are not positive.

As for Cafe Laurella, it was someone else and not me who went there and reviewed it, so unfortunately I cannot expand on the review.

I have found previously that a comment like this means I’ve gotten it wrong (Quikfix being the obvious example). For this reason, I hereby promise Josh and any other Laurella fans reading this that I shall revisit Laurella and give them a second opinion at the first opportunity.

“The first opportunity” might take a little while though; I live in Melbourne, and that’s a long way from Sydney’s North Shore.

UPDATE: I made it to Wahroonga a little while back, but Laurella was shut and I’m unlikely to hit the area again for years.

According to The Age, Starbucks are closing 61 out of their 85 Australian stores. It seems they have all but given up on the Australian market.

I’m not surprised they’re struggling here. Unlike the United States, Australia has a long-running coffee culture. Before the arrival of Starbucks, there were already thousands of independent coffee shops, to the point where they comprised 1/3 of retail outlets in some suburbs (or so it seemed). Some of these focussed more on food than they did coffee, but there were plenty of others that served a decent brew. Australia has heaps of coffee snobs as a result.

Not everyone is a coffee snob, of course, so Starbucks might still have made inroads into the market had they moved a bit faster. Unfortunately for them, they spent several years taking over the US first, and while they did so, some enterprising souls noticed how profitable they were, and set about replicating that success here. Soon, Australian shopping centres were filled with Starbucks clones. The most successful of these, Gloria Jeans, now has a huge fanbase that won’t go anywhere else.

As a result, the entry of  Starbucks into the Australian market was met with a collective “meh” from the local population.

They might still have gotten somewhere had their coffee tasted good, but in my humble opinion, they are beaten not only by the independents but most (if not all) the other chains.

The lesson for business owners? If you are successful in one market, make sure to conquer the others quickly, or someone else will beat you to it.

Have you heard of Muzz Buzz? It’s a drive-through coffee outlet that’s been operating in Western Australia - and now, it’s arrived in Melbourne. This is their outlet at DFO Cheltenham:

Muzz Buzz has a large variety of menu items, from iced drinks to flavoured coffee to food, ice-creams and energy drinks. Their coffee flavourings are at no extra cost, which is unusual.

I’m not a huge fan of drive-through coffee outlets, but I thought I’d give it a go. Here’s what their coffee looks like - note the straw. Who drinks coffee through a straw?

Unfortunately the coffee was close to lukewarm and a little weak (I ordered strong). My girlfriend Marjorie ordered a flavoured coffee, which was definitely nicer.

They got at least one satisfied customer that day:

Recommended for: Drivers who like the convenience of drinking coffee through a straw. Flavoured coffee lovers.

Not recommended for: People who like coffee that tastes like coffee.

——

Later the same day, I got to try Nespresso.

Nespresso is a novel attempt by Nescafe to market themselves as the high end of the coffee market, although perhaps not high enough for coffee snobs. Basically, the system consists of a very easy to use coffee machine that uses Nespresso coffee pods - and nothing else. There are, I think, a dozen varieties of the pods available. Others have criticised the system for using stale coffee in the pods, plus the proprietary nature of the pods will be a concern for some. What concerns me, as always, is how the coffee tastes.

At their kiosk in Myer, I had a chance to find out. After enduring their marketing spiel, I had a latte using a ‘Ristretto’ pod (the strongest pod available).  So how did it taste? Not bad at all really. The latte was creamy, with little bitterness I thought. The flavour was a bit lacking compared to a good cafe, but still beats a lot of mediocre cafes and about 90% of home setups.

Recommended for: A take-away or similar business looking to sell quick and easy espresso on the side, without serving watery weak swill. Or, someone wanting a semi-sophisticated setup at home, without spending four figures.

Not recommended for: Coffee snobs. Get a better machine, and fresher beans.

Hi all. I’m that busy with planning my birthday party at the moment that I don’t have much time for blogging, so just imagine you are up at 3am watching Rage and this clip comes on. This is something else. I once read a band interview when they discussed making a video clip. They did a take-off of a horror film but it didn’t make it on TV because, wouldn’t you know, “you can’t kill people on video clips”.

Obviously noone told Magic Dirt. Here is their clip Shovel (RSS readers click through to the post if you can’t see the clip.)

Admittedly this is a little crappy, but here it is - Australian Rare Coins Online, a site for those collecting Australian rare coins. It’s a work in progress.

If you know me, keep July 19 free.

I canvassed you, the readership, for 30th party ideas. Now I’ve made up my mind - it will be a scavenger hunt / dinner Amazing Race themed combination party!

The guests will leave the starting point in staggered intervals. From there, they will follow a set course of things to find and do, and questions to answer. Prizes will be on offer for the winning team.

After that, we all go out for dinner!

The party shall be a blatant copy of one my brother did for his 20th a few years ago.

I’m still organising the details of what will happen, where the race starts and ends, etc. The race is about 70% organised, the rest of it is 5% (approx.). I hope to get things ready enough for invitations to go out in about a week or so.

This could make for an interesting B-grade sci-fi flick:

More at Cat Ladies.

I was walking down the Nepean Highway in downtown Frankston (motto: “Bogans By The Sea”) when I came across this gem of graffiti scrawled across a wall:

I’m not sure many people will agree with this sentiment; there are an awful lot of “I Love Frankston” bumper stickers on local cars. But what could cause such discontent? Another piece of graffiti, conveniently right next to it, could provide the explanation:

In case you can’t read that, it states:

“Frankston is a microcosm of Australia. Public servants are parasites feeding off the people of this country. It’s now a crime for a father to catch public transport.”

It was that last statement that caught my attention. It’s now illegal for a father to catch public transport? When did this happen? Why have I not heard about this? And if this is incorrect, how did our graffiti scribbler come to think otherwise?

Imagine this scenario:

You are a man, old enough to be a parent, in Frankston, when you decide to catch a bus to Cranbourne (since you’ve always wanted to see the Botanic Gardens, remember?). No sooner do you board the bus, when who should step on but two transit police! They stroll purposefully in your direction, and you have a feeling they’re headed for you. No matter, you think, you have a valid ticket. You are ready to produce it for inspection when one of the cops says:

“Are you a father?”

“Er - no.”

“Are you in league with fathers?”

And since you can NOT prove that you are NOT a father, nor a father-sympathiser, you are politely but firmly escorted from the bus.

Could this happen in Australia? Seems unlikely to me, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything. Perhaps a local expert, such as Pete from Freaked Out Fathers, could shed some light on this matter.

The backstory: I reviewed Expresso Drive Thru in Murrumbeena, and subsequently was threatened with a lawsuit. Then, just recently, I get the following comment:

Friends Of Coffee
“it is interesting to note that despite a request for your address to serve legal papers you have not provided this to them. I think to be fair to them you should give your full name and address to them, and be prepared for any action if any. Easy to hide behind a blog Mark. You look like a fool, and are certainly acting like one Mark!”

It is also interesting to note that I’ve only got comments in support of Expresso Drive Thru since their management got wind of my post.

Today when logging in, I noticed a comment from “jon” stating “this blog is lame. Have you got anything good to say about anyone. I would say this is all about a man angry with his world and who has a massive chip on his shoulder. Get some therapy!!”

I looked, and it was on the Melbourne Coffee Reviews page. “What a strange place to leave a comment like that”, I thought. But then I saw Friends Of Coffee above, who left that comment, with the same IP address.

Coincidence? You decide!

Mr. Of Coffee, or jon (if that’s your real name), you obviously are the bloke who runs Expresso Drive Thru in Murrumbeena, or a very close friend. It should be obvious by now that your legal threats have backfired on you. Let me give you some advice about how our legal system works, and how you should react when confronted by criticism:

#1. You can’t sue someone for making you money. Instead, you have to show that the alleged defamation has harmed your business in some way. This is important. Because of this, sending your defendant emails that state “Thanks also for the publicity and the pick up in business we are receiving as a result” is a bad idea. (Yes, this actually happened!)

#2. When you know nothing about the legal system, keep in mind that some people know more than you do. This could be relevant if, for example, you are suing a blog for defamation when there are posts about defamation on that blog.

#3. Why not just ask for a second opinion? When the blog that has said bad things about your product, has in the past given other businesses a second opinion on request, perhaps asking for a second opinion just might be a better idea than half-baked threats.

Friends Of Coffee, clearly you feel a little hard done by. If one critical post has made you feel that way, imagine how pissed off you would be if someone threatened to drag you in front of a court and bankrupt you over something you said.

Just a thought.

A Facebook friend started a feature called “Whose butt is it anyway?” I looked, and lo and behold:

It was mine!

I have a nice butt, don’t you think?